I've been in a "I don't want to try anymore" mood most of the time. Which is not improved by classes where I'm constantly getting answers wrong.
I hit a point where I was just done with being humiliated. My personality is SO performance oriented. If I'm not able to do something well, chances are I won't do it. I don't really enjoy that about myself, but it's there. So living here is a constant battle with my instinct to just quit, stop trying, be content with mediocrity. Some days it's been easier to stay home and mope than go out and engage the world. It's easier to dwell in self pity and irritation than to see the good that is constantly walking alongside the hard. And this week I did that. A lot.
BUT, there is good. There is grace. There is always opportunity to change your trajectory and choose higher thoughts. I know this. I'm told this often. But it changes nothing until I decide that that's what needs to happen. And sometimes I'm stubborn. So three crappy days later I finally decided, enough. Time to think about the good.
1) I love my professors -- they're so quirky. Christina is all drama and jokes. Carlos makes the funniest faces when he's thinking and is very encouraging when we get things right (also blunt when we make mistakes- I don't love that as much). Jarque talks SOO fast, but is super sweet and also blunt but in a funny way so it hurts less ;)
2) I'm starting to make better deeper relationships with those around me. One on Ones are the way to go. I'm convinced. So I went out with Hannah (British- from GBU college group) the other night and got to know her a bit more (also nailed my British accent) and then Rachel (from my school- here and in the states) and I went to coffee and got to talk about our lives and went into some moments that have shaped us into who we are so we could understand each other better. Then Dessa and I have been hanging out during my free hour in the mornings and got to talk about our struggles in our walks with Christ and things we've learned/are learning. That was such a cool moment. (Thanks to Amanda Cook's Brave New World for facilitating that (Go listen to it if you haven't!!))
3) I've started to think in Spanish a lot more often. I have to figure out different ways to express my ideas when I talk because I don't always know the words I want to say. So that's fun. And I think will be helpful for all of life because problem solving. Still haven't dreamed in Spanish... so thanks to everyone who told me that that's how I know I've arrived. It probably is but come on. Talk about pressure.
4) I'm still not homesick. I miss people, I miss food (chipotle, chikfila, Coffee). Every once in a while I miss being able to shower for as long as I want (#spoiled), But I don't want to leave this country. I thought this week that once I hit that point is probably when my Spanish is going to actually click all the way. But that's fine.
5) My family is awesome. This weekend we're going to a town the mountains (2 hours drive North west) And I'm so excited. No wifi. And no Americans. It's going to be awesome.
6) Reading the Bible in Spanish is like my favorite thing. It's like understanding anew my favorite verses. LOVE.
7) The struggle means growth is happening.
8) I figured out one girl, who I thought didn't like me, thought I didn't like her. So now I get to stop feeling judged by her and just be nice so she realizes that's not true.
I'm sure there are more. But that's what I've got off the top of my head. Happy count your blessings day.
I hit a point where I was just done with being humiliated. My personality is SO performance oriented. If I'm not able to do something well, chances are I won't do it. I don't really enjoy that about myself, but it's there. So living here is a constant battle with my instinct to just quit, stop trying, be content with mediocrity. Some days it's been easier to stay home and mope than go out and engage the world. It's easier to dwell in self pity and irritation than to see the good that is constantly walking alongside the hard. And this week I did that. A lot.
BUT, there is good. There is grace. There is always opportunity to change your trajectory and choose higher thoughts. I know this. I'm told this often. But it changes nothing until I decide that that's what needs to happen. And sometimes I'm stubborn. So three crappy days later I finally decided, enough. Time to think about the good.
1) I love my professors -- they're so quirky. Christina is all drama and jokes. Carlos makes the funniest faces when he's thinking and is very encouraging when we get things right (also blunt when we make mistakes- I don't love that as much). Jarque talks SOO fast, but is super sweet and also blunt but in a funny way so it hurts less ;)
2) I'm starting to make better deeper relationships with those around me. One on Ones are the way to go. I'm convinced. So I went out with Hannah (British- from GBU college group) the other night and got to know her a bit more (also nailed my British accent) and then Rachel (from my school- here and in the states) and I went to coffee and got to talk about our lives and went into some moments that have shaped us into who we are so we could understand each other better. Then Dessa and I have been hanging out during my free hour in the mornings and got to talk about our struggles in our walks with Christ and things we've learned/are learning. That was such a cool moment. (Thanks to Amanda Cook's Brave New World for facilitating that (Go listen to it if you haven't!!))
3) I've started to think in Spanish a lot more often. I have to figure out different ways to express my ideas when I talk because I don't always know the words I want to say. So that's fun. And I think will be helpful for all of life because problem solving. Still haven't dreamed in Spanish... so thanks to everyone who told me that that's how I know I've arrived. It probably is but come on. Talk about pressure.
4) I'm still not homesick. I miss people, I miss food (chipotle, chikfila, Coffee). Every once in a while I miss being able to shower for as long as I want (#spoiled), But I don't want to leave this country. I thought this week that once I hit that point is probably when my Spanish is going to actually click all the way. But that's fine.
5) My family is awesome. This weekend we're going to a town the mountains (2 hours drive North west) And I'm so excited. No wifi. And no Americans. It's going to be awesome.
6) Reading the Bible in Spanish is like my favorite thing. It's like understanding anew my favorite verses. LOVE.
7) The struggle means growth is happening.
8) I figured out one girl, who I thought didn't like me, thought I didn't like her. So now I get to stop feeling judged by her and just be nice so she realizes that's not true.
I'm sure there are more. But that's what I've got off the top of my head. Happy count your blessings day.
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