Week 12: Part Valencia

My final week in Europe has been a whirlwind. 

I finished my finals Wednesday afternoon and headed out to lunch courtesy of the school with the professors and Isabele (secretary) and Arturo (headmaster). We went for paella (a traditional Spanish meal with rice and usually seafood). We laughed a lot and they scolded us for not eating everything and taught the others how to eat snail- I drew the line there.

Then that evening Hannah and I had talked about going out to eat at a nice restaurant. So we decided to invite everybody. It ended up being all 5 of us from school, Erick and Hernán, Juan, Rebecca, Hannah and Leo. We ate pizza and spoke a mix of Spanish and English and just generally enjoyed each others' company. 

Afterwards, those of us who could hung out a little longer and planned our dance party for Friday. I got home at 3. And then slept until 3 the next day. It had been a busy/low sleep previous few weeks. But yikes. 

Thursday I think I just sort of hung out and packed. Nothing super special. Oh except our two friends, Erick and Hernán are brothers and both are fairly insecure but they display it in different ways. It's something I'd noticed but hadn't felt like it was my place to say anything. Erick speaks a good amount of English. Hernán doesn't. So Thursday night I was texting with Hernán and he said something about being ugly in some picture. Then a little later said he couldn't dance. Neither of which are true. So I kind of preached at him in Spanish about self worth and how it needs to come from God and not people and that it doesn't matter what people think and all that good stuff. And I think he genuinely understood and appreciated it. That was incredible because those are the conversations I want to be having. Ones that mean something. And I was able to encourage my friend in his language and it made sense. Yay Spanish! 

Friday night then was my last supper with my dear family. We had pizza and we all crowded in the tiny kitchen and laughed as Monica shared her dreams of owning a pet monkey and raccoon (among other things) when she's a widow. And we talked about last names and how Spanish people have a gazillion and I have 1. 

Later Rachel, Erick, Hernán, Dessa, Juan and I went out dancing. This was something we'd talked about doing all semester. It finally happened the last night. We met up and went to the first place. They had live music. Rachel and I had been there a few times before and usually love it because it's mostly  Berklee students who play. This time it was a Spanish band. It was still fun and Rachel and I had a fun time trying to dance like Spanish people. We can't.  

Side note: Juan is Columbian and Erick and Hernán are Bolivian. They all have dancing in their blood. 

Side side note: Spanish dancing starts with footwork and everything else follows. I don't know how to move my feet. Thus Spanish dancing is a hilarious struggle. Mejor con un pareja. 

So we went from there to another place with American music, and back to the first place to chill a bit. Then we walked Dessa home and said goodbye *sad face*. 

But then this was my favorite, outside of the hilarious/wonderful moments that I can't describe, Juan had been playing music from his phone and I think some Sam Smith song came on. And for whatever reason the 5 of us who were left walked back toward the city with our arms linked and sang along with what was playing. I swear it could have been straight out of a movie. 

Hernán and my's relationship Friday was totally different than it had been previously too after our conversation the night before. We had been mostly acquaintances until the last few weeks and then that last night it was a whole other level. I wish that could have happened sooner. It sucks to have to leave after only just getting close. But it was a beautiful night full of memories to look back on. 

Saturday I made sure all my stuff was in order and got all ready to go. I gave Begoña my letter and we cried. Because goodbyes suck. Even with the promise of seeing each other again. She and Sofia walked me most of the way to the train and then with more tears hugs, we parted ways. 

I didn't know my goodbyes would be as hard as they were. But it was beautiful-- the pain and the tears-- because that means the time was well spent and the people well loved and that is worth grieving. But it's also worth celebrating. I love Spain and Spanish and all the people I met there. Valencia will forever have a piece of my heart. 

Learnings and Preparations

This blog is essentially just copied and pasted from the last journal/essay I had to write about this experience. Every section is in response to prompt questions. It mostly captures thoughts and processing and preparing for America:

My time in Spain has been very eye-opening for me. I’ve learned so much about myself and people in general. I’ve learned just how badly I need people and people who I can really be honest with and push to be better, who will also push me. I knew this would be a struggle because I was coming off of a summer with HeartSong where I got to know my team intimately and was able to live in a community that continuously poured into and uplifted each other. It was the greatest picture I’ve seen of the sort of community we were made for. So to go from that to living in another country where I barely spoke the language and knew nobody, was a struggle. But it also meant that I came in search of people who I could pour into and really get to know. And I found that in Dessa and Rachel and  Hannah. 

I’ve learned that you can learn something from everyone, no matter how annoying they initially seem. And that when you decide to love someone no matter what, you choose to look at and see them in ways that help you to like them too. You seek to understand what makes them them. And once you understand why they act as they do, it's harder to be upset that it's not how you would have acted or how you prefer them to be-- because it's about them, not you. (Yeah I stole that from an earlier blog. Sue me.)

I’ve learned to continuously push myself to do things I don’t want to and not to use “introvert” as an excuse to avoid people. I used to think that I was all introverted and had no extrovert in me. But I’m thinking now that we all have a little of both, they’re just muscles. They need to be worked in order to grow. And sometimes it doesn’t feel good. But it’s worth it. My extrovert muscle is bigger than it was when I came here. 

I’ve become better at accepting being wrong and also not being good at something. I’ve always struggled with performance. I like to do things well. And when I don’t I get really frustrated with myself. Usually that means if I can’t do something well, I won’t do it. But here that wasn’t an option. If I decided to just never try with Spanish I would not be able to speak any better than when I came. In classes too, I learned to answer questions as best I could and be okay with being wrong. It helps that there’re only two or three in a class most of the time. In the states, I’d never answer questions in class unless I was positive I was right and no one else was answering. I still don’t like being wrong. But I’ve accepted that mistakes and wrong answers don’t mean I’m stupid.  

I’m looking forward to hugs and being with family. I’m looking forward to American coffee and Jimmy Johns and salads and Chik-fil-a and Chipotle. I’m looking forward to being able to drive and sitting on the couch with my dog and reading a (Spanish) book. I’m looking forward to real honest conversations over coffee and knowing how to help and encourage people because I know them on a more intimate level. I’m looking forward to playing guitar and piano. I’m looking forward to puzzles with mom and encouraging her to follow her dreams in person and not just over the phone. I’m looking forward to cry sessions with my roommate and Christmas lights and maybe a little bit of snow. I’m looking forward to going into new places without having to plan what I’m going to say ahead of time. 

I’m not looking forward to heavy work loads with every detail spelled out for me. I’m not looking forward to strict rules and curfew. I’m not looking forward to being around people who think that America is the promise land and that the end goal is for everywhere else to look like and sound like and act like America. I’m not looking forward to people saying “oh you speak Spanish. Say something.” Or “How was Spain?” Because really how am I supposed to answer that in a word or a couple sentences? I’m not looking forward to judgements, real or perceived. I’m not looking forward to walking fast or Friday classes. 

With every experience in my life I become less sure of what I want to do with the rest of it. I’ve always loved the idea of a nomad existence; traveling the world, living places long enough to understand the cultures and learn languages but not necessarily planting anywhere. I’m more convinced than ever of my love for Freedom, for culture, for diversity. I’m convinced that I was created with wings to fly because the idea of planning my whole life or staying in one place forever makes me want to scream. I’m convinced that people are beautiful, even when they do ugly things. I’m convinced that the most beautiful gift you could give someone is to seek to know and understand them and genuinely care. I’m convinced that pain is almost always worth the beauty and growth that comes out on the other side. 

But what does that mean as far as resolutions? I don’t want to miss out on opportunities to get to know people because I’m overthinking things or I don’t want to come across the wrong way. I want to be confident in those things and not need the approval or understanding of others in order to maintain them. I want to be intentional about doing things for people; notes, coffee, little gifts, whatever. I want to find a Spanish church or organization so I can keep practicing my Spanish. I want to learn another language- probably Italian. I want to encourage others to break the mold and be fully themselves. I want to ask questions even when I don’t know exactly how and be willing to make mistakes. 

My mind is so much more open than it used to be. My whole life I’ve been growing more and more relaxed and open-minded, and less convinced that I’ll ever hold the exact right answer. I don’t need the answer, because the journey to finding it is enough. I think that’s my favorite thing about my Spain experience. The things I have been told my whole life are wrong or right, I have found to be more a little of both and it is discernment and an understanding of self that one needs, not a black or white answer, to navigate the minefields. I think that’s something I’d like my friends and family to understand when I get back. 

I think the best thing for re-entry will be the above as well. It’s not that one way is right and one is wrong. They are different. I need to go home with an attitude of openness and accept the cultural differences without judgement. That being said, I know some things will be difficult. Going from this semester and it’s workload back to Cedarville is going to suck. I’m going to have to relearn how to study and manage my time well. I don’t really know what else is going to be difficult because my perception of America was so far under water before I came here that I don’t know if I’ll really be able to see it clearly until I go back. But I'll take them as they come, because that's life. It's hard but good. Always. 

Week 11: Finals and Awkward Moments

This week has been very chill thanks to finals meaning I've been cooped in my room studying for most of it. So this will be brief.
Friday I was in a mood. I ended up studying most of the day. I also went to a free zumba class with my dear sister, Sofia which was a blast. I sweated a disgusting amount but I think I was smiling or laughing for the entirety of the hour. Dancing is fun.
Saturday I had rehearsal for church. I was having trouble with the rhythm of one the songs (thanks to being overly confident and underprepared) so they had to change it. That put me in my place real quick. I hate performing poorly. So after that I was annoyed. I was annoyed at myself and I was annoyed because everyone there speaks English too so they would talk to each other in Spanish and then turn to me and translate. Which is sweet, I suppose. Except that I've been here for 3 months and I understand most of what they're saying and to already annoyed Megan, that was slightly insulting. It's not something I should be bothered by. And I definitely don't understand everything so sometimes it's good to have things clarified so there are no miscommunications. My pride just wanted to punch someone every time they'd translate. I know. It's a personal problem. We're working on it.
Sunday, I watched a Cedarville Chapel online and spent some time refocusing. I've done a pretty poor job here of keeping up with devotions and centering on Christ. I've had some really cool moments. But mostly I've regressed to depending on the moments rather than a lifestyle.
At church that night, the sermon was preached in English by a man from Portugal and then translated into Spanish by and American. So that was bound to be amusing right? It was. And there was a lot of repetition in the sermon itself, which was then doubled. SOOO I struggled to stay engaged a little. BUT. It was really good for me to hear. He/They talked about God's provision being in unlikely people/places/situations/ways. God doesn't choose the "best", he chooses us. No matter our faults or our bank account or our inadequacies. He uses us when we offer all that we are and all hat we have to Him. And He does that in ways we wouldn't choose and in whatever place it is that we currently find ourselves. That was the part that hit me the hardest. I've been trying so hard to stay present here these past 2 weeks or so, but I've been pretty lonely and so missing Cedarville and my community there a lot. It was a good reminder that I need to engage here, because this is where God has me now and this is where he can use me now.
Yesterday and today I had finals. I have one left tomorrow but no studying necessary because it's translation. So I can't do anything until he gives us the passage to translate.

I was thinking the other day about awkward hilarious situation that have happened since I've been here that I want to remember. Here are a few that came to mind:

Walking to church with friend Chris.
First I spill coffee on my hand while trying to resituate my purse and have to wipe it on my shirt because I have no napkins and the only other option is licking it off... which I prefer to do only at home ;)
Then he says "Watch out" right as kick a piece of poop that was on the sidewalk. But no worries. I smoothly followed it up with "Oh it's fine. It was dry." WHAT. Who says that??

Out for dinner after church with a group of friends.
I go to take a drink and start laughing or choking or something and legitimately spit the entire thing out.. fortunately not at anyone, although a few people got some spray. hahaha gross.

Spanish greetings. Kiss on both cheeks, remember?
So I'm standing outside waiting for this guy to let me in church so I can pick up the bass I'm going to borrow. Note: He's American but he's grown up in Spain. But in my head he's American. So I don't expect kisses. So he walks up to me and starts going for it and I'm thinking he's going to whisper something in me ear. Which was confusing because there was no one else around so there was no reason to whisper. I didn't realize what was actually happening until the first kiss. "oh" "Sorry"
Nailed it.
Then I said "nice sweater." because it was a nice sweater. duh.
Except he thought I said "Are you sweating?"
So that whole situation....yeah. That was bad.

Those are the main ones. Hope you enjoyed. :) Happy Tuesday!

Week 10: Roma, Bass and Classes

Last week flew by. I was able to play bass at a Girl's Night at my church which was so much fun. I've missed playing music so much. That night, my sister came to the church with me and loved it. I think she wants to come back again. I only have one more weekend with them and I'm playing again, but I think she'll come with me. That'll be fun. :)
I went over to Rebecca's a few times to keep her company and watch New Girl and just hang out. Friday we went to watch some live music briefly after the girls night and had a little dance party in her apartment afterwards. I started teaching Dessa how to dance. That was hilarious. Then boys came so we stopped. Dance lessons are better without boys.
Saturday we went to Rome. (We= everyone from my school; Dessa, Alyssa, Rachel, Aaron and I) It was awesome. We walked probably 20 hours over the two days we were there. So it was exhausting, but so fun. We got to see all the things. But most fun for me was the people. duh. I loved hearing all the Italian and other languages that are present in touristy places. I want to live in Italy someday, and learn Italian. That'll be my next language I think. They speak so beautifully. Their inflection kills me.
Everything went super well. Our hostal was great. Flights went well. I navigated us through the city with a paper map (so fun! I only took us the wrong way once.) The food was amazing. I had lasagna the first night which was the best lasagna of my life. Wow. The owner was precious and his brother came up to our table and started telling us that he was rich and single and we should get on top of that, it was hilarious.
Overall it was a great trip. We got back Monday night which meant only 3 days of classes this week. I finished my first Spanish book and had to give a presentation on it today. That was an experience. Everything is so much more chill here. At Cedarville there are always descriptions of exactly what is wanted in a project. For this one I was given a theme to talk about. It's so different.
Next week is finals and then after that London and home! Time has flown! All that to say I'm starting to get excited for home and think about what will be good and what will be hard to prepare myself. Thanksgiving is a good first meal to have back in America I think.

Sorry for the poor writing today. It's been a long short week. Lots to do = no time for siesta

Week 9: Mostly Thoughts

My weeks ebb and flow like an ocean.
Monday (or Tuesday?) I met my British friend, Hannah, for the first time in a few weeks which was really great. She's awesome.
I found myself frustrated with my church a lot this week. I went to a LifeGroup last Friday that was really disappointing as far as the level of relationship that I felt there and even the answers to discussion questions felt very juvenile and shallow even though most everyone was older than me. Then Sunday I sat there in the service just feeling empty. Like I've been trying to pour out of nothing. I was taken in so quickly by these people when I got here. But it's two months later and the relationships haven't gotten any deeper. It's still "How's your Spanish doing?" week after week. And I was so annoyed by that. And the messages have not been remotely challenging. At first it was nice because I was able to get the big picture pretty easily even if I didn't understand all the points. But then it wasn't so nice anymore. It tends to be more preaching on a generally Biblical topic with one or two verses inserted somewhere along the way. And there is no talk of the ugly parts of life. Which just feels fake to me. My faith is not based on the pretty nice surfacey parts of life. It doesn't experience a ton of that. And it's strongest when life is hard. That's when it grows. So the implication that we just need to hope and pray and all things will turn out right and we'll all get new cars and the cancer will go away and people will love us is almost insulting.
But what do I do then? Because just ranting to people doesn't help. Changing churches might be nice for these last few weeks, but it does nothing to help the people that are still there. If I want more I have to do something right? If i want better teaching, a) there's plenty of that online that I can access, and b) if I were being consistent about my devotional time, I wouldn't be feeling quite so empty to begin with. And maybe if the time comes, there's room to address that. I don't know yet.
As far as relationships, if I want deeper relationships I have to be willing to give a little. Thus far I've been mostly copping out. "My Spanish isn't good enough to start real conversations" "I'm the new girl here, they should be approaching me" "Why doesn't anyone want to hang out during the week?" and so on. But the expectation for them to come to me is ridiculous, especially if I don't initiate anything either. Relationships do go both ways after all. So this week, the goal was to have better conversations. And I didn't really. I learned what one guy did for a living. I asked someone a few people how their weeks were. It wasn't a lot. But it's a start.
If nothing else I've been able to invest in one girl, also from America, who seems to be a fairly new Christian and is going through some rough stuff lately. I know I'm at this Church for a reason. Maybe it's her.

That was a lot of rambling on thoughts. But really not much else happened. I had the house to myself for a bit this weekend while the fam went to the mountains for a Halloween party. Dessa came over for a girls' night and then a mini church service in the morning. We watched a service online and then sat in different rooms and had some much needed alone time with Jesus. It was beautiful.

That's pretty much life these days. Only 3 weeks left here. Crazy.

Week 8: More Concerts, More Learnings

Last week was one for the books.
Classes are pretty lull these days. Nothing particularly notable in them, other than I'm learning things. Yay.
But other life things are good. I'm finally to the point of understanding my class mates enough to just love them. I guess I've been here for a while but it hit me this week. When I was on HeartSong the mindset is that these are the people you get to serve/live/lead/love with for the next year so you better learn to love them. It's not an option. And it was easy. Because when you decide to love someone no matter what, you choose to look at and see them in ways that help you to like them too. You seek to understand what makes them them. And once you understand why they act as they do, it's harder to be upset that it's not how you would have acted or how you prefer them to be-- because it's about them, not you. Or at least that's how it was for me.
But I didn't come here with that mindset. I came here thinking "what if I don't understand anything?" "what if I don't get any better?" "these people will never be like my friends from home" "It's not helpful to my Spanish to talk to them"
It was all about me. I didn't seek to understand. If someone annoyed me I just wrote them off as "never going to be friends"
But after a while, and after conversations with Dessa that reminded me that I wasn't the only one who was struggling, that we needed each other. "Maybe God brought all of us from different parts of the US together in Spain because we needed each other." oh. I guess I should be willing to give a little then, huh? God just smiles. He knows I'm slow.
Now here we are, able to laugh about our professors and our Spanish struggles. We're able to push each other and look after each other and be community. That's pretty cool. Church isn't just a building, people.

In other news, Rachel and I share a common love for music, especially live music. So there are these "jam sessions" in bars all over the city where whoever wants to play can come and play. Usually they're specific to a certain type of music. So our friend Chris had one that he was going to play at Wednesday night, so we decided to check it out. (Side note to my musical friends, jamming is so much better when you listen to each other and don't try to hog the spotlight. 4 people playing different instruments who all want to be the center and show off what they can do...it doesn't sound good.) It was fun though. And afterwards Chris had a recording session and he said we could sit in an listen. So of course we took him up on that! And the music was actually good too. We got home at 2. And had classes the next day. That was interesting. But totally worth it.

We also went to an open mic night last Friday that was KILLER. It was mostly Berklee students so duh. They knew what was up. I can't listen to music without moving and I can't watch/listen to (good) live music without a ridiculously dorky smile on my face and lots of "yass" "What!" "You go." "mmmmm" "no. stop"
So that happened a lot. So much fun. We also bumped into our professor from CU there. So that was hilarious.
Afterwards we went with some church friends (Chris and Rebecca) to one of their friend's house and just chilled and listened to crazy bass songs and ate food and hung out. This guy was korean and the best host of my life. Also just a very strange character. He said whatever he thought. So blunt. But it was funny for some reason. Probably because it was so unexpected. I don't know. It was an experience for sure. We didn't get home until 5:30 am. Yikes.

Saturday was a reminder that no matter how many good things I have in my life (friends, music, food, chill evenings...) they are empty with out Christ. He, we, have to be first for any of it to matter. I have an all-in sort of personality. When I'm friends with someone I'm all the way committed to them. When I have a favorite song, it's on repeat for weeks. When I like something, I love it. So all the music nights and the hanging with friends, I was loving! But my temptation with that is to put everything I have into that and let my relationship with Christ lag. But it's not enough without Jesus. It was a little taste of the emptiness of the world. The inability of those things to fill the spot inside me that only Christ can. I'm grateful for this reminder. I'm grateful for the ways that He pursues. That in His jealousy for my whole heart, He reminds me of himself before I've taken more than a few steps away.

Week 7: Concerts, Pictures, and the Beauty of Struggle

I suppose I shouldn't promise what I can't deliver, huh? #wednesday

Last week was crazy. As I said before I had 5 midterms.  So virtually all my time that wasn't in class, was studying for the next test. And they all went so well-- Hooray! Thanks for your prayers!

The weekend then was such a treat. Thursday night, after all our exams were finished, Dessa, Alyssa, Erick and I went to a jam/concert thing put on by our friend Rebecca from church. (Rebecca is studying to get a masters at Berklee Valencia) It was so fun. I couldn't believe her scat capabilities. It wasn't primarily music I would listen to on my own. But I LOVE to watch and listen to musicians who do what they do well and love doing it. It brings so much joy to my heart. I had the dorkiest grin on my face the whole time. It was awesome.

Friday, Dessa and I went and did a photo shoot around the city, because why not? And then got coffee in a cute little cafe and talked for a while. Side note: Dessa has become probably my closest friend here and has taught me so much. We both have a free hour in between morning classes so we just sit and talk about life. I've spent so much time ranting to her about frustrations, and so much time talking about God and all that he has taught and is teaching me. And she's done the same for me (although usually not as dramatically with the ranting). Slowly but surely we're learning what makes us us. And that's a beautiful thing. It's a testimony to me to love first and "seek first to understand" (That's been my motto lately) because everyone has a story and a reason for being who they are, and when I understand and choose to accept them as they are and not be frustrated because they aren't who I want them to be, I'm able to learn so much from them and develop truly beautiful relationships.

On our way to the concert Thursday night, we had passed a 50's themed American diner that was super cute so we decided to try it out for lunch on Saturday. So Dessa, Alyssa, Aaron and Juan (church) all met at this restaurant and then walked around afterwards until the girls went to the Caminando por Libertad.

Sunday I did homework and went to church.
All the time that I wasn't doing stuff this weekend I was reading this book, Marina, for my Spanish literature class. It's slow going because it's all in Spanish and I have to look up a lot of words. But it's written so beautifully that I don't even care. God is constantly giving me beautiful things to wow over. I love that. He's pretty cool.

Today I met with my Intercambio (someone who's learning English-- so we can help each other)
The first day we actually met was a mess because I was flustered and so was having a hard time understanding and speaking coherently. But today went really well. I understood most of what he was saying and I made sense. I still think my best practice is coming home and talking to Begoña because she helps my grammar and she understands what I intend to say so she can help me get there when I'm having a hard time. All that to say, my Spanish is not perfect. But I can communicate. And that's nice.

I'm finding a lot of things more difficult than I used to. I revert to english amidst Spanish conversations with Spanish people, (like, yeah, what, cool-- simple words that I don't think about that just slip out). But I think maybe that's not a terrible thing because it means that Spanish is becoming more natural and I'm not thinking as hard about it, which is why little English phrases still slip out sometimes. It's harder to decide to go out if there won't be anyone I know or I have to meet new people. Things that I did consistently the first two weeks because I had to are harder now, 7 weeks in. My do-what-you-don't-want-to muscles have got to be huge by now and also my little baby extrovert has grown at least into a toddler.

I miss people around whom I feel fully confident about being myself. Which has spiraled into a lot of self-talks about not living for the expectations of the world or those around me. I nurse my dreams and my passions carefully, wary of people who would try to pop holes in my balloons and land my floating house. But I'm becoming more and more aware and also willing to live in the identity that the Lord has given me and not worry about what others may think. I don't want to live in a box, not one I put myself in and not one others put me in. And that's okay. I can be who I am without labels.

It's been on my mind because when I first arrived I was trying so hard to look the culture and be a part of Spain and was almost embarrassed to let people know that I'm American. And then I realized, no one expects me to fit perfectly into their culture. They understand if I don't do the right thing or say the right words. I don't have to forsake my past to have this present. I am who I am because of where I came, just like everyone else and there's no reason to hide that.

All that to say, "Life's a climb, but the view's great" (Thank you Hannah Montana movie). Not all of my time here has been easy, but I'm loving it. Life is a mix of hard and beautiful and I live to embrace both. It's better that way.