My time in Spain has been very eye-opening for me. I’ve learned so much about myself and people in general. I’ve learned just how badly I need people and people who I can really be honest with and push to be better, who will also push me. I knew this would be a struggle because I was coming off of a summer with HeartSong where I got to know my team intimately and was able to live in a community that continuously poured into and uplifted each other. It was the greatest picture I’ve seen of the sort of community we were made for. So to go from that to living in another country where I barely spoke the language and knew nobody, was a struggle. But it also meant that I came in search of people who I could pour into and really get to know. And I found that in Dessa and Rachel and Hannah.
I’ve learned that you can learn something from everyone, no matter how annoying they initially seem. And that when you decide to love someone no matter what, you choose to look at and see them in ways that help you to like them too. You seek to understand what makes them them. And once you understand why they act as they do, it's harder to be upset that it's not how you would have acted or how you prefer them to be-- because it's about them, not you. (Yeah I stole that from an earlier blog. Sue me.)
I’ve learned to continuously push myself to do things I don’t want to and not to use “introvert” as an excuse to avoid people. I used to think that I was all introverted and had no extrovert in me. But I’m thinking now that we all have a little of both, they’re just muscles. They need to be worked in order to grow. And sometimes it doesn’t feel good. But it’s worth it. My extrovert muscle is bigger than it was when I came here.
I’ve become better at accepting being wrong and also not being good at something. I’ve always struggled with performance. I like to do things well. And when I don’t I get really frustrated with myself. Usually that means if I can’t do something well, I won’t do it. But here that wasn’t an option. If I decided to just never try with Spanish I would not be able to speak any better than when I came. In classes too, I learned to answer questions as best I could and be okay with being wrong. It helps that there’re only two or three in a class most of the time. In the states, I’d never answer questions in class unless I was positive I was right and no one else was answering. I still don’t like being wrong. But I’ve accepted that mistakes and wrong answers don’t mean I’m stupid.
I’m looking forward to hugs and being with family. I’m looking forward to American coffee and Jimmy Johns and salads and Chik-fil-a and Chipotle. I’m looking forward to being able to drive and sitting on the couch with my dog and reading a (Spanish) book. I’m looking forward to real honest conversations over coffee and knowing how to help and encourage people because I know them on a more intimate level. I’m looking forward to playing guitar and piano. I’m looking forward to puzzles with mom and encouraging her to follow her dreams in person and not just over the phone. I’m looking forward to cry sessions with my roommate and Christmas lights and maybe a little bit of snow. I’m looking forward to going into new places without having to plan what I’m going to say ahead of time.
I’m not looking forward to heavy work loads with every detail spelled out for me. I’m not looking forward to strict rules and curfew. I’m not looking forward to being around people who think that America is the promise land and that the end goal is for everywhere else to look like and sound like and act like America. I’m not looking forward to people saying “oh you speak Spanish. Say something.” Or “How was Spain?” Because really how am I supposed to answer that in a word or a couple sentences? I’m not looking forward to judgements, real or perceived. I’m not looking forward to walking fast or Friday classes.
With every experience in my life I become less sure of what I want to do with the rest of it. I’ve always loved the idea of a nomad existence; traveling the world, living places long enough to understand the cultures and learn languages but not necessarily planting anywhere. I’m more convinced than ever of my love for Freedom, for culture, for diversity. I’m convinced that I was created with wings to fly because the idea of planning my whole life or staying in one place forever makes me want to scream. I’m convinced that people are beautiful, even when they do ugly things. I’m convinced that the most beautiful gift you could give someone is to seek to know and understand them and genuinely care. I’m convinced that pain is almost always worth the beauty and growth that comes out on the other side.
But what does that mean as far as resolutions? I don’t want to miss out on opportunities to get to know people because I’m overthinking things or I don’t want to come across the wrong way. I want to be confident in those things and not need the approval or understanding of others in order to maintain them. I want to be intentional about doing things for people; notes, coffee, little gifts, whatever. I want to find a Spanish church or organization so I can keep practicing my Spanish. I want to learn another language- probably Italian. I want to encourage others to break the mold and be fully themselves. I want to ask questions even when I don’t know exactly how and be willing to make mistakes.
My mind is so much more open than it used to be. My whole life I’ve been growing more and more relaxed and open-minded, and less convinced that I’ll ever hold the exact right answer. I don’t need the answer, because the journey to finding it is enough. I think that’s my favorite thing about my Spain experience. The things I have been told my whole life are wrong or right, I have found to be more a little of both and it is discernment and an understanding of self that one needs, not a black or white answer, to navigate the minefields. I think that’s something I’d like my friends and family to understand when I get back.
I think the best thing for re-entry will be the above as well. It’s not that one way is right and one is wrong. They are different. I need to go home with an attitude of openness and accept the cultural differences without judgement. That being said, I know some things will be difficult. Going from this semester and it’s workload back to Cedarville is going to suck. I’m going to have to relearn how to study and manage my time well. I don’t really know what else is going to be difficult because my perception of America was so far under water before I came here that I don’t know if I’ll really be able to see it clearly until I go back. But I'll take them as they come, because that's life. It's hard but good. Always.
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